Yes, I’m going to take on the newest fad for millennials, those chain restaurant killing, avocado eating, no house owning freaks. Fidget Spinners have become something of fad from what I hear. They’re all over YouTube videos, editorials and school PTA meetings but I’ve never actually seen one in person. Which is weird considering how many people seem to have opinions on them.
I’ve heard how “they’re rude” and they “need to be banned from schools” and “they’re weird and today’s kids are dumb”. That seems to be par for the course though no? Seems to me every 5-10 years there’s a new fad that just makes no sense, so with that I bring you my newest list: Stupid Fads from my childhood.
10) Crazy Bones
You don’t remember Crazy Bones, the weird Jacks/Marbles hybrid that somehow captivated my entire grade 6 class? It’s surreal to look back on, they came in packs and each little…guy or whatever…had a fancy name like Ichiro or Eggy or Eggy…mutant (actually real). I don’t even think people knew the real rules, they just ended up stealing them from other kids enough to get them banned from the school like a pile of anti-government manifestos.
9) Gel Bracelets
This one rolled around when I was in grade 7 or 8, that magical time where girls suddenly became a lot more interesting, I had to start figuring out how to shave sideburns and a moustache and my voice started sounding like an accordion body slamming a waffle iron, and Gel Bracelets were worn for elicit sexual acts, (finally this blog is getting to the good stuff). The idea was every colour was related to something you had to do when it got broken. Of course, no one actually followed through with anything especially when that one weird kid just kept running around trying to break every bracelet on every girl’s wrist, hey ass-hole those cost money.
8) Yu-Gi-Oh Cards
Okay this one is pretty personal because Yu-Gi-Oh cards were the only ones I actually knew the rules to. Releasing a cartoon show on YTV that basically showed you how to play the game was a stroke of freaking genius. I brought those cards everywhere, while other kids were playing “soccer” or shoving their tongues down each other’s throats because their brown Gel Bracelet broke, I was busy destroying Life Points thanks to my patented Dark Magician tactics. Somehow I managed to not kiss a girl until high school, weird right?
7) Beanie Babies
Alright, I know what you’re thinking, “hey dumb-ass those are still around they’re not a fad they’re just stuffed animals” and to that I say, shut up this is my blog. Anyway, everyone by grade 5 had at least one beanie baby unless you had friends or something weird like that. I can’t even explain why Beanie Babies were different than regular stuffed animals other than the fact that they came with names already so you could show off exactly which one you got. Seems like a lot of childhood toys involve showing how much better you are than the other kids.
6) Playing Spin the Bottle or 7 Minutes in Heaven
Just kidding, I never did any of that, God I’m alone.
5) Mario Party…Parties
Okay probably the reason I was not Playing Spin the Bottle or 7 Minutes was because I was busy trying to get Stars or Coins or something else from Bowser to emerge victorious in Mario Party. Now again I’m sure Kids These Days still play Mario Party, but the very first Mario Party came out when I was in grade 6. While I truly, truly hate that game I will admit there was a certain feeling you get from stealing 10 Stars from your friend who was in first place and that friend is sitting next to you. He’s forced to watch as you siphon is stores like some sort of a vermin in a grain silo. That’s what’s missing from online gaming now, you don’t get to see the harm you’ve inflicted on your friend. Where’s the fun in that?
4) Whatever The He’ll These Things Are
Cards on the table, I didn’t use these but I remember every girl on my street playing with them on their drive way. I still am not entirely sure what the appeal was, is it a way to skip rope by yourself? Can’t you just do that with a shorter rope? All I know is those girls were outside every day hopping on one foot. Maybe that’s how we combat childhood obesity, we need more fads that make stupid physical movements popular.
However you spell it, these things were in every kids hands. There were Geo-pets, Tamogotchi’s, Digimon pocket monster things, it seems like everyone wanted a virtual pet that they could forget about and not feed for 10 days. It’s actually pretty scary when you consider The Matrix style repercussions. Meaning, according to Matrix logic all of those little pets did exist and the monsters that were responsible for their well being just let them die before forgetting they ever even existed. The tale of Tomogotchi is dark and twisted.
Shit yes, these things were cool as all hell. You play for keeps or just for fun? Just for fun, get the hell out of here. The objective was to slam the stack of Pogs hard enough to get them to flip over and then you won whichever ones flipped over? Okay I guess I wasn’t entirely crystal clear on the rules but I played almost every game with my brother so that whichever ones I lost I could just sneak into his room later and steal them back. As if I’d ever give up my 90’s Spider-man Cartoon Pog.
1) Pokemon Cards
The biggest fad I can remember. Pokemon was a cult, there was a show on TV every afternoon after school, a game boy game,matching underwear and socks and a stockpile of cards that operated like a new form of currency. Holographic cards were more valued than cocaine and I’m sure Netflix will be contacting me about a Narcos style Pokemon Cards show sooner or later. Legends say that there was an actual game around the cards but everyone I knew just collected them and put them in binders. While most of these other fads caused problems at school I remember people getting physically assaulted for their Holographic Charizard cards, but I mean shit, those were rare. I’ll believe Fidget Spinners get out of control when I see kids breaking the Geneva Convention to get them.
So all of this should lead you to a two conclusions: 1) Shut up about Fidget Spinners, every generation has stupid fads, this one is no different. 2) I was about as lame as you can possibly imagine in elementary school (and high school but that’s for a different time).