The Most Official Friendzoning in History: Literally Needed a Zoning Permit

Alright so first off the Maple Leafs got eliminated yesterday which makes me very sad most of my sandwich predictions came true with the exception of BBQ Pulled Pork Mitch Marner who looked like plain toast that series. You’d think this would be the saddest thing that has happened to me lately but…you would be dead wrong.

I wanted to give people another glimpse into the mess I call my dating life by telling the amazing story of the time I was officially put in the Friendzone. I don’t mean “officially” like “oh man it was pretty clear she didn’t like you,” I mean it was written down on a Government Form. Now you’re thinking, “wait a second how does that happen?” Allow me to explain:

So me and “Girl” have been seeing each other for about 2 months on and off, nothing official, we’re at that awkward stage where you’re not sure if each person is looking for something serious or if she’s just using you for free chicken fingers and your Netflix account (I’m sure you’ve already figured out this mystery). We did relationshippy-cute stuff like go skating together and we did not so relationshippy stuff like fall asleep while watching Netflix so there’s no chance for the “Chill” part. So, Girl invites me over to go do some errands with her and then we’ll go watch a movie. One of those errands was fill out her passport. I thought this was a little strange but she explained that basically she had moved around a lot the last few years so she didn’t have someone in the city who could act as her Guarantor.

The Guarantor is basically someone that has known you for the last few years and has a valid passport, so even though we had only been romantically seeing each other for a few months I had technically known her for at least 2 years. So we go throughout the whole form signing everything until it gets to that little box where it says “Relationship to Applicant.” This little box basically ruined the entire relationship and thus my life. it FORCED a label onto us and pretty much caused the destruction of the most adorable couple in the history of everything. So anyway, I look up and said “What should I put here?” I had a sneaking suspicion that this question was going to blow up in my face, and BOY DID IT EVER.

She looked up at me and I knew what was coming next. She responds with, “Oh um you can just put friend” This was akin to her taking a rusty pair of scissors and jabbing it into my groin. Don’t get me wrong I completely understand, if she didn’t feel that strongly about me what else could she of said? But man in the moment I think it was written completely on my face, oh we’re just friends now? Because after multiple sleep-overs and pizza parties you’d think we’d be more than that…Wait a sec…that describes…NEVERMIND MOVING ON.Bart Heart

This wasn’t just an offhand comment where you’re meeting her friends for the first time, or you’re lying about your anniversary to get a free dessert, this form is going to the fucking government. There’s a bureaucrat somewhere calling Justin Trudeau  to laugh at me, “Hey Boss get a load of this loser! JUST FRIENDS HAHA.” I don’t think I’m exaggerating at all to believe that this passport application will be read out in Parliament and probably go into a museum.

After this we still went to the movies but it was awkward, she wouldn’t let me do the ol -yawn-arm-around-you trick, which is a clear heads up that something is wrong. Then I got my kiss goodbye and when I said “I’ll text you later” she responded with words that still haunt me like a ghost in a Scooby Doo show.

She said, “It’s okay you can text me whenever.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time but then once I did text it took her a full week to get back to me and when she did I got the “Hey I think we should stay friends” text. So basically the Canadian Government ruined my one true shot at happiness and I will be voting for anarchy from henceforth.

What Did I Learn From This?

Nothing, seriously, there’s a tendency for people to act like every relationship is a “learning experience.” Life isn’t a sitcom, with everything leading up to a grand climax where I get to finally meet my children’s mother. Sometimes the experience is just a moment in time and that’s okay.  If I had to pick something it’d be “Don’t have expectations” but really what kind of moral is that? If you’re not going into a relationship without some sort of expectations you’re probably just wasting your time.

Also people tend to throw out the word “Friendzone” a lot and I remember thinking it was a real thing in high school but really you can’t be put in the Friendzone unless you let someone do it to you. “Friendzone” is just another word for “Not into you romantically” which is fine but you don’t have to hang out with someone who isn’t interested in you, you have the power. It’s my number one gripe with the romances we see in pop-culture, they condone this “holding-a-candle for you” attitude (How I Met Your Mother, The Office, etc.) and I think it creates a warped sense of romance when people think they just have to wait and make their intentions known and eventually the person they’re interested in will see things clearly and run into their arms.

Now I get to go through my favourite ritual to make me feel better. Beer, Ice Cream, lots of Video Games and non-stop streaming of cheesy songs.


2 thoughts on “The Most Official Friendzoning in History: Literally Needed a Zoning Permit

  1. That sucks to hear, but as you know there are more opportunities elsewhere and your luck might change. I know what it’s like to have bad luck after all, dying in the Battle of Yavin has given me some rare insight.


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