Valentines Day and my Top 3 Worst Dates Ever.

I’m approximately three days late with this post, but it’s within the same week so it still counts. I wanted to talk about Valentine’s Day, or as everyone seems to call it, “The most over rated day of the year”.

It wasn’t until high school where suddenly Valentine’s Day really started to mean something. Some of my friends went on dates, bought girls’ roses, chocolates, went to the movies, that sort of thing, while I stayed at home and did my regular thing. Obviously I was disappointed that I didn’t have a BAE to take out but honestly I was sort of used to Not Going on Dates that the disappointment wasn’t really all that different from any other time I didn’t go out. I understand why people don’t like V-day. For the same reason they complain about Halloween or Christmas or any other holiday, it’s too commercial, but still no one HATES Christmas the way single people HATE Valentine’s day.

I mean some people talk about Valentine’s Day like we should BAN it, like if you’re caught giving someone chocolates you should be sent to a GULAG run by Hannibal Lecter. Valentine’s is the inspiration for some of the BEST Pop Culture though. Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Ralph gets the card from Lisa that says “You Choo-Chow-Choose Me” That’s literally one of the defining jokes of that show. How about Community where Troy and Abed try to take the same girl to the dance only to find that they really wanted to be each other’s Valentine? That’s the whole point right? You don’t NEED a significant other to enjoy Valentine’s, or at the very least your Valentine can be anyone, it doesn’t need to be someone you’re romantically involved with. Just like you can enjoy Christmas without having a billion presents, you can enjoy Valentine’s Day if you’re single. The point of both of those holidays (and honestly most holidays) is reminding you that people care.

Anyway that’s my mini-rant about V-day. Next year go enjoy it and if you don’t have a  Valentine I’ll Choo-choo-choose you.

My Top 3 WORSE DATES EVER

# 3: The Lockjaw Story

This one isn’t super terrible but at the time it was easily one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me. I went to a girl’s place to watch a movie and “hang out”, these were the days before Netflix and Chill was a thing. I was about 19 and to politely put it, I HAD NOT KISSED A GIRL IN A VERY LONG TIME. It was pretty cold that day, like, -11 or something like that, (Celsius for any Americans reading this). Anyway, I’m at my most charming and handsome so obviously she can’t keep her hands off me, that is until, I PULL A MUSCLE IN MY JAW. I don’t mean like , “oh weird that sort of hurt” I mean intense pain where I’m worried I have to go to a doctor. So she’s looking at me like I have some sort of condition and naturally sends me packing. Let me tell you, that was the Longest Bus Ride Home Ever.

#2: How to Make a Girl Cry

Once Tinder became a thing I naturally had to try it. I went on a date with this super cool girl, you know very standard dinner-and-a-movie type thing. She seems awesome, she’s going to art school, she loves Game of Thrones, she plays video games and I’m thinking, “Damn, I am nailing this date”. We start talking about school, at this point I’ve graduated and am working but she’s still going to college. She starts talking about how expensive it is and how much debt she’s in. It’s at this precise moment I decide to tell her with my trademark smile, “Yeah I actually never had any student debt, my parents helped pay for some of my tuition so I graduated without a penny of debt”. She stared at me with her mouth open and I saw tears welling up in her eyes, but I think she’s kidding so I follow that up with “OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRYING?” (This is the moment I replay in my nightmares). She quickly runs off the bathroom, when she came back I apologized profusely but let’s be honest, the damage was done. She surprinsgly did not call me for a second date.

#1: Fart and Friendzone

This is easily the story that will be my number 1 until the day I die. I’m in university, still relatively awkward around girls and not quite sure how to navigate from “this girl is cool to talk to” to “hey we should date”. I realize now that the Friendzone is a made up zone where people complain about the fact that other people don’t like them romantically, but at the time I was still managing how to deal with that. So I take this girl out for a coffee and then a movie, promising that I’ll be a gentleman and pay for both. (See how creatively I changed it up from Dinner and a Movie to Cofee and a Movie? I’m a pretty creative guy).

While we’re at the coffee shop she subtly tells me, “I just like you as a friend I thought we’re just going to this movie as friends”. Stupid me, Still thinks I can change this girl’s mind, so I say, “No problem we can still go”. So we hop into the car and I start driving to the movies. About 5 minutes into the drive she looks over, face red as a cherry, and says, “Oh my God this is super embarrassing but we need to roll down the window because I farted” So I do the gentlemanly thing and roll down the window, but STILL, I think I can change this girl’s mind, I mean you figure a girl farts in your car she probably owes you at least a French kiss right? NOPE, I watched Michael Cera in Youth in Revolt in complete silence and drove her home without so much as a peck on the cheek. And I don’t blame her, it’s stupid to expect a girl owes you anything. I blame myself because at almost regular 15 minute intervals throughout the date I was reminded HEY DUMBASS THIS GIRL IS NOT INTO YOU.

Those are my top 3 worse dates, I’m hoping I never have to add any more to this list, but somehow I always find a way.  So who knows, maybe next year I’ll have a new number one. Enjoy your weekend wherever you are and thanks for reading!

-Selke